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Friday, December 21, 2012

Forgotten Friday's: the torment of the cross

From what I can tell, I am in the thick of things right now.  I guess you could say my foster care journey is heating up.  I am feeling the pressure, the strain.  I am crying out to God for strength, for perspective, for wisdom!

As I stand in the gap between this sweet little baby girl and the parents that God has given her by birth, I am frozen in fear. 
I love her.  I really love her! 
She has become a daughter.  She has become a sister.  She has become a granddaughter.  She has become a niece.  She feels like ours, yet we know she is not.  She may leave. 

As a mother, I am not sure I can hardly grasp that thought.  My humanness screams that this is unfair.  Unfair to me.  Unfair to her.  But is this true? 

Wouldn’t this baby want me to never give up on her mother?  Wouldn’t her ultimate dream be that her mother be healed?  Is it unfair to the mother for me to give up on her too quickly? Is it unfair to this baby girl?

I encourage the mom to do what is right.  I give her hope.  I tell her all things are possible through Christ.  I hang up the phone feeling like I lied.  I don’t want to give her hope.  That is not what my flesh wants.  My flesh wants her to go away and let me protect this precious child. 

I hear God silently whisper to me….
“mom’s salvation is just as important to me as the baby’s.”

How on earth will we survive this journey? 

The answer is clear when I read the scriptures.  In our flesh we will die, but through God’s grace and spirit, we will survive.  He will give us everything we need.  God will use ME to save the lost.  I can hardly comprehend this in my flesh.  This is meant to be painful. 
It is the torment of the cross that leaves me desperate for Jesus, yet THAT is exactly where I want to be.        
Jessi Esterling picture of kids standing
Director of Operations
Jessi and her husband Zach have two sons and are also foster parents. As a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and the former Director of Foster Care at the Children’s Home Association of Illinois, Jessi has worked in the foster care arena since 2003 where she experienced the overwhelming needs of this community. Jessi began volunteering for The Forgotten Initiative soon after its founding and in December 2011, she became the full-time Director of Operations.

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